by Tommy Gimler
Just when your fat ass thought the marketing and branding of professional athletes had finally hit its peak, the folks at Fantex Holdings come along and take it to a whole new level, offering stock in athletes in which the value depends solely on their economic success. Sign a huge contract? Cha-ching. Get a deal with Coca-Cola? Straight cash, homey. Get busted for masturbating in front of a girl after you ask to borrow her pen? Uh oh.
According to Yahoo! Sports, the first athlete up for sale will be Arian Foster, with $10.5 million in stock available for the Houston Texans running back.
Seem just kind of risky to sink your hard earned cash from working overtime at the Del Monte plant into a professional running back? You’re not alone. Even John Elway and the other big shots at Fantex offer up this disclaimer:
The offering is highly speculative and the securities involve a high degree of risk. Investing in a Fantex Inc. tracking stock should only be considered by persons who can afford the loss of their entire investment.
Hmmm. Allow us to proceed with just a tad of caution, as it sounds almost as shady as that little Mexican kid trying to sell me a broken prophylactic on the beach of Cancun.
But hey, what do we know? Maybe this is your chance to leave that Del Monte plant in the rearview mirror forever. After all, you did win your fantasy football league three of the last five years. And if that’s the case, let us at the very least offer up this list of guys who should demand zero dollars if they ever hit the Fantex market:
Christian Ponder – QB, Minnesota Vikings
There is no way to sugarcoat it. This guy fucking blows. With Josh Freeman and Matt Cassel now in front of him on the Vikings depth chart, the only endorsement this guy has on the horizon is being the poster child for no-talent ass clowns with hot wives. Unfortunately, there is zero money that comes with that deal, and that should pretty much sum up what his next contract will look like as well…
Darren McFadden – RB, Oakland Raiders
Unless your Fantex investment gives you a huge return when your athlete doesn’t play a full season, you’ll want to steer clear of this clown. But this is a tricky one, as we can totally see McFadden being hired as the spokesman for a windshield repair business, windows manufacturer, or pretty much any glass company. He could use the tagline, “Nobody knows glass like me, Darren McFadden, because I’m Mr. Glass.”
Kenny Britt – WR, Tennessee Titans
Britt has been arrested or involved with the po-po nine times since joining the NFL in 2009. So, unless you think Jos. A. Bank or Men’s Wearhouse is going to sponsor his court appearances and provide him with a sweet fucking suit every time he stands before a judge and explains that it was all just a big misunderstanding, you’ll want to shop elsewhere…
Daryl Washington – LB, Arizona Cardinals
If you take out the fact that he plays for the Arizona Cardinals, was suspended by the NFL for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy, and was arrested and booked on two counts of aggravated assault for beating the piss out of his baby mama this offseason, Daryl Washington could be a marketable guy. But unless he cashes in on playing the lead role in an Ike Turner biopic, there is pretty much zero chance this clown makes anything outside of his playing contract…
